Slashing up the Carrot
by teno-hikari
Summary: It's now time to slash Carrot up from Gateau all the way to Zaha. Warning - lots of Carrot glomping ^_~
1. The Pairings

SLASHING UP THE CARROT   
  
  
HIKARI: Gather 'round all ye yaoi fans!   
  
CARROT: Why are speaking like that?   
  
HIKARI: Thou dost not know ::cough:: Anyway, welcome to our show: 'Slashing up the Carrot!'   
  
CARROT: :: Whimpers and covers up his family jewels ::   
  
HIKARI: Don't worry, there won't be that kind of slashing in this. Zaha, put your sword away.   
  
ZAHA: I was only going to use it to cut his clothes off.   
  
HIKARI: Oh. Well, that's okay then.   
  
MILPHEY: :: Glares at Zaha:: Only I can do that :: Pulls out sword::   
  
CARROT: :: Screams and hides behind Marron::   
  
MARRON: Don't worry, niisan. I'll protect you and provide the comfort you need to start off our own yaoi story.   
  
CARROT: :: Scrambles back:: Why do I have to do this anyway?! I'm straight, dammit!   
  
GATEAU: Face it Carrot, no woman will ever go for you. Join us on the yaoi side :: Makes Darth Vader breathing noises ::   
  
CARROT: That's not true! I still have Tira and Chocolate ::turns to see the Misu sisters setting up the CARROT SLASH fanfic library and blanches::   
  
CHOCOLATE: I've finished organizing all the stories according to rating, pairing, and author name. Teehee, I have seventeen fanfics under my name, darling.   
  
TIRA: I only have ten ::BLUSH::   
  
HIKARI: Let's get this over with and hope we can expand our CARROT SLASH library.   
  
CARROT: Someone, please save me!   
  
HIKARI: Now, for out first pairing -   
  
  
  
CARTEAU   
  
[ Carrot x Gateau ]   
  
CARROT: What the hell?!   
  
GATEAU: Hah! Alphabetical order will always be in my favor!   
  
ZAHA: Fool, the best is always last :: Points to the Z on his name tag. Yes, they're all wearing name tags. The author neglected to mention that::   
  
HIKARI: Okay, Carrot and Gateau are two opposites of each other. Gateau is muscular and isn't shy to show it ... in fact even though he's gay, he'll attract more women than Carrot ever will.   
  
CARROT: Hey!   
  
GATEAU: OH YEAH! ::Strips down to his underwear:: LOOK AT ME!   
  
CARROT: I'm blind! :: Stumbles around to search for the exit::   
  
HIKARI: I would like to read more about this pairing, but they're rare to come across. Any comments?   
  
TIRA: I really can't picture them together, but I would definitely say that Gateau would be the seme of the relationship.   
  
GATEAU: OH YEAH! ::flex::   
  
CARROT: ::twitches:: WHAT RELATIONSHIP?!   
  
CHOCOLATE: The only way I can see this happening is if Marron was out of the picture.   
  
MARRON: ::frown:: That's not going to happen, but I'll be happy to share.   
  
HIKARI: We'll get to you later, Marron. What about you two ::looks over at Milphey and Zaha who are sweat dropping watching Gateau flex::   
  
MILPHEY: They make a rare pairing but I'm very open minded! ::smile::   
  
ZAHA: I don't care. Stop flexing ::glares at Gateau:: you're making my eyes water in pain.   
  
HIKARI: Okay, now for the most popular Carrot pairing ...   
  
  
  
  
CARRON   
  
[ Carrot x Marron ]   
  
  
CARROT: ::Eyes fall out of his sockets:: YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!   
  
MARRON: :: Picks up Carrot's eyes:: Niisan, once you get past the incest you'll enjoy the sex.   
  
CARROT: ::faints::   
  
HIKARI: I have nothing against incest. Carrot and Marron are very close so I can see them together as a couple.   
  
MARRON: Yes, my niisan and I are very close ::cuddles up with a half-conscious Carrot::   
  
GATEAU: I have nothing against it, as long as I get to watch and maybe participate ::wide grin::   
  
MILPHEY: Ditto!   
  
MARRON: ::winks::   
  
CHOCOLATE: I don't know ... I mean they're brothers! That's like someone writing a yuri story of Tira and me.   
  
TIRA: eeew   
  
ZAHA: Whatever, but if I see an OnionXCarrot story I really will destroy the world.   
  
CARROT: ::shudders:: I'll actually help you on that.   
  
HIKARI: ::cough:: Moving on ...   
  
  
  
CARPHEY   
  
[ Carrot x Milphey ]   
  
  
MILPHEY: ::glomps Carrot:: Yay, it's my turn!   
  
CARROT: Ack! Stop it! You didn't do this in the TV series!   
  
MILPHEY: I wanted to though. Did you know my Haz Knight armor could fit another whole person in it? In fact ... I think you're the perfect size... wanna try?   
  
CARROT: NO!!!   
  
HIKARI: I find this couple to be pretty adorable since Carrot initiated the whole thing...   
  
CARROT: :: Dodges the glomping Milphey:: I swear I thought he was a girl!   
  
TIRA: It's hard to tell who would be the seme or the uke of this relationship. But I can picture Carrot as the uke.   
  
CARROT: Wha???? But I'm manlier looking!   
  
CHOCOLATE: Whatever, darling.   
  
MILPHEY: :: Catches Carrot and glomps away:: I don't care as long as I'm with my Carrot-chan!   
  
CARROT: Ahhhh! Don't call me that! ::tries to squirm out of Milphey's grip::   
  
MARRON: ::foams with jealousy::   
  
GATEAU: ::hands him a napkin::   
  
HIKARI: What do you think, Zaha?   
  
ZAHA: ::watches Carrot turn green and red:: I don't care as long as Milphey doesn't kill him. I need Carrot to help me destroy the world and for... other things.   
  
CARROT: ::shudders:: I don't want to know!   
  
HIKARI: And now for the last but not the least ...   
  
  
  
  
CARAHA   
  
[ Carrot x ZAHA ]   
  
  
::CRICKETS CHIRPING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES::   
  
HIKARI: Okay this pairing is the rarest of the rare ... almost nonexistent.   
  
TIRA: Carrot would definitely be the uke.   
  
CHOCOLATE: Wait, since we called Zaha 'daddy' when we were kids ... does that mean darling will be ... 'mommy'?   
  
MARRON: ::faints into Gateau's arms::   
  
GATEAU: I don't know who to pity, Zaha or Carrot? Actually, they're kind of made for each other.   
  
CARROT: ::Glares at Gateau:: I hope some crazy fanfic writer pairs you up with my Pop.   
  
ZAHA: :: Pulls Carrot to him:: You shall grant my wish and make my dreams reality! First I'll have you destroy the world and then in bed you...   
  
::speaks in subtitles::   
  
ALL: ::BLANCH::   
  
CARROT: :: Pushes Zaha down the invisible stair case::   
  
HIKARI: Wait, is that physically possible?   
  
ZAHA: ::gets back up without a scratch on him:: I'm sure Carrot is flexible enough.   
  
CARROT: ::nosebleeds::   
  
ZAHA: ::evil grin::   
  
HIKARI: Okay ... I think we should wrap things up since there are no other men to slash Carrot up with.   
  
CARROT: ::washing his face:: Thank God   
  
  
::Just then the door flies open and smacks Carrot in the face. The room is suddenly filled with a crowd of Sorcerers, parsoners, and basically the whole male cast from Bakuretsu Hunters::   
  
SIRIUS: ::Flies over to Carrot:: I can't believe they locked us out! Carrot let's make babies together! ::glomps::   
  
CARROT: MAKE WHAT?!   
  
HIKARI: Okay, I know that's not possible unless Sirius has parts we don't know about.   
  
GROUP OF HAZ KNIGHTS: Out of our way, bird boy! He's ours!   
  
CARROT: ::shakes off Sirius:: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!!?!   
  
CHOCOLATE: Wow! Look at all the men who want to do the nasty with Darling! I don't think our library is big enough.   
  
CARROT: WAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! ::runs around screaming as the mob of perverted men chase him around the room::   
  
TIRA: Okay! ::goes dominatrix:: let the CARROT SLASH AUCTION begin! ::wraps her whip around Carrot::   
  
HIKARI: We'll start the bidding at the price for my dinner tonight: a McDonald's super value meal. What's that? 3.50? I have $3.50! Do I hear $5?   
Back to the Fanfiction   
  
Copyright © 2002: Teno Hikari - webmaster. 
  



	2. ZAHA

SLASHING UP THE CARROT   
  
  
  
HIKARI: Welcome back for another episode of "SLASHING UP THE CARROT!"  
  
CARROT: :: Hanging upside down by Tira's whip :: Do we have to call it that? Someone cut me down! I'm not a piñata!  
  
POTATO: :: Holding a whacking stick :: Cawwot?   
  
CARROT: You're here to?! Don't tell me....  
  
POTATO: :: Glomps Carrot-Pinata :: I wuv you Cawwot!  
  
CARROT: AHHHHHHHHH!!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFFFFFFFFF!!!  
  
ZAHA: I won't have this abomination! :: Hits Carrot with magic ::  
  
CARROT: Ouch! :: Turns into big monster thing ::  
  
POTATO: SCAWY!!!!   
  
CARROT-MONSTER: :: Eats Potato and the belches loudly :: Needs salt ...   
  
CHOCOLATE: :: In her other scary form :: Finally got rid of that guy ... I mean ... bad, darling! BAD!   
  
TIRA: :: Also in her other scary form :: Take that! And that!   
  
BOTH MISU SISTERS: :: Whips Carrot Monster :: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOO!!!  
  
MALE CAST OF BAKURETSU HUNTERS: We wish we could whip Carrot around :: Drools ::  
  
CARROT: :: Back to normal :: Owww ... can we just get this 'Carrot torture fest' over with?!  
  
HIKARI: Impatient to get laid I see :: Giggle ::   
  
CARROT: Only with a girl   
  
GATEAU: Like that's ever gonna happen. So, who's first? We're going in alphabetical order right? :: Winks at Carrot ::   
  
HIKARI: This time we're going backwards. So, first up is: Zaha Torte!   
  
ZAHA: :: Smirks ::   
  
CARROT: Someone please hit me with magic, please!   
  
  
  
HIKARI: Za-chan, I can call you 'Za-chan', can't I?  
  
ZAHA: If you do, I will show you hell.  
  
HIKARI: Uh... so Lord Zaha ...  
  
ZAHA: :: Grins ::  
  
HIKARI: What's your attraction to our Carrot-chan?   
  
CARROT: :: Twitch :: 'Our Carrot-chan'?!   
  
ZAHA: Isn't it obvious? I desire his destructive power ... and after he destroys the world for me, we can have endless S/M sex :: Pulls out shackles Carrot wear in the opening of the TV series ::   
  
CARROT: :: Nosebleeds like a sprinkler ::   
  
HIKARI: Why do you want to destroy the world anyway?   
  
ZAHA: It keeps screwing me over. Also, I hate the fact that we're all named food products. It's annoying! A couple years ago, I walked into Starbucks and ordered a dessert with my coffee. Instead, they gave me this screwed up little girl...   
  
ECLAIR: :: Gasps angrily :: I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU! :: Glomps Zaha ::  
  
HIKARI: I see ...  
  
ECLAIR: I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU!  
  
ZAHA: :: Tosses Eclair to Gateau :: She's you're long lost sister, take her already!   
  
ECLAIR: :: Glomps and strangles Zaha at the same time:: LOVE! HATE! LOVE! HATE! LOVE! HATE!  
  
GATEAU: Heh, you can keep her. I'll just take Carrot from you ...  
  
ZAHA: :: Glares ::   
  
HIKARI: Uh... So how did you two meet... er... again?   
  
ZAHA: :: Blasts Eclair away :: In the TV series ... I was on the mountain sucking up souls ...  
  
HIKARI: Is your name Raziel? You know the guy from Soul Reaver? Was it the endless block puzzles the reason why you turned into a bad guy?   
  
ZAHA: What the hell are you talking about? Anyway, I was almost done sucking up souls ...  
  
CARROT: Eat me! Beat me! Be one with me!  
  
ZAHA: ...Yes, that. Then, that woman :: Points to Big Mama :: tried to kill me and then I passed out. Later on, I woke up naked in bed with him :: Points to Carrot ::  
  
ALL: :: Jaws drop ::   
  
CARROT: :: Turns red :: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT!!!! You were already naked!  
  
ALL: :: Stares at Carrot ::   
  
CARROT: :: Stammers :: We weren't in bed together! I was wearing my clothes and he was half naked! Nothing happened!  
  
ZAHA: If you say so :: Enigmatic smile ::   
  
ALL: :: Stare at Zaha ::   
  
HIKARI: I'm sure yaoi fanfic writers (like me) will disagree with you, Carrot-chan :: Giggle ::   
  
CARROT: Is this so-called 'fanfic' over yet?!   
  
HIKARI: Behave yourself before I write you naked.   
  
CARROT: What?? You can't do that!  
  
HIKARI: Wanna bet? :: Writes: "...and suddenly, Carrot's clothes were torn away. Leaving him naked..." ::   
  
CARROT: :: Screams :: AHHHH!!!! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!!! :: Tries to cover himself ::   
  
HIKARI: Told you ... now, let's get on with the questions. So, Zaha ... hey, what are you doing to Carrot-chan?!   
  
ZAHA: :: Looks up at Hikari and the gaping audience :: What? This stupid 'show' is still on? LEAVE THIS PLACE before I ... ah ... I'll get back to you on that death threat.. :: Ties Carrot down ::   
  
CARROT: :: Whimpers as he's tied spread-eagled and pinned to the ground ... oh and let's not forget that he's BUCK NEKKID! :: I HATE YOU, HIKARI!!!  
  
HIKARI: We'll leave you both alone as soon as you finish answering my questions. Don't worry, I'll be quick.  
  
CARROT: TAKE YOUR TIME! :: Continues to struggle in his binds as everyone drools at the sight ::  
  
ZAHA: :: Continues to pin Carrot down :: Go on...  
  
HIKARI: Um ... could you stop molesting Carrot-chan for a few minutes ... it's really ... distracting...   
  
ALL: :: Standing in their drool puddles ::   
  
CARROT: Yeah, listen to the author! She'll write you naked if you don't!   
  
ZAHA: That may be convenient in this position :: Note: he's still on top of Carrot ::   
  
CARROT: :: POUT ::   
  
ZAHA: :: Stops molesting Carrot but doesn't move off him ::   
  
HIKARI: :: Sweat drops :: So um ... how do you plan on using Carrot to destroy the world? In the TV series you brought the old world back to fall on top of the present one ... which was pretty cool by the way.   
  
THE SORCERER HUNTERS: :: Mumbles :: It wasn't 'cool' when we died  
  
ZAHA: Well, :: Still pinning Carrot despite the fact that Carrot is nawing at his wrists :: the key is to draw the God of Destruction out using mortal fear. As all of you know, Carrot is a complete wuss...  
  
ALL: :: NOD ::  
  
CARROT: You all suck! :: Continues with his useless squirming and nawing ::  
  
ZAHA: I kept trying to scare Carrot by pretending to kill him ... but then he just kept getting the hiccups.   
  
HIKARI: I thought frightening a normal person would get rid of the hiccups ... not cause them.   
  
ZAHA: Carrot's not a normal person  
  
ALL: :: NOD ::  
  
CARROT: :: POUT ::  
  
ZAHA: But now I have discovered a sure proof way of bringing out the God of Destruction :: Triumphant smile ::   
  
CARROT: :: Whimper ::  
  
ZAHA: Carrot Glace ... will you marry me?  
  
ALL: :: Fall over ::  
  
GOD-OF-DESTRUCTION (G.O.D): OH, SCREW THIS! :: Destroys the world ::   
  
  
  
... A millennia later ...   
  
  
  
  
HIKARI: And we're back!  
  
CARROT: :: Spits out ball gag :: I told you it wouldn't work!  
  
ZAHA: Damn... 


	3. MILPHEY

SLASHING UP THE CARROT 

HIKARI: Wow, look at all the nice reviews we've gotten ^_^

CARROT: ::Glare:: I hate you guys.

HIKARI: And you want more? Carrot paired up with EVERY male on the show? Well, I'll try... teehee.

CARROT: ::Shudder:: I *really* hate you guys.

HIKARI: ::Sigh:: Carrot, do I have to write you naked again?

CARROT: I'll be good! I'll be good!

HIKARI: Good! ::Smile:: Now for our next pairing...

CARROT: ::Sulk:: 

HIKARI: Heeeeee're's Milphey!

CARROT: I thought his name was Millie? 

MILPHEY: ::Suddenly appears behind Carrot:: Carrot-chan I don't care what you call me! ::glomp::

CARROT: Get off me, you freak! 

MILPHEY: I'm only a freak when it comes to you, dear 333

CARROT: ::Shiver:: No, not the hearts! Make them go away! ::breaks out of the Milphey's crushing embrace and starts running to the exit::

HIKARI: Someone stop him!

CARROT: ::Pant:: Almost there ...

HIKARI: Hey, you guys!

ALL: ::Watching Carrot run in slow-motion and drools:: 

MILPHEY: Carrot-chan, where are you going?

CARROT: Away from all you perverts ... almost there ... Why the hell am I running in slow motion?! 

HIKARI: Heheh 

MILPHEY: Carrot-chan, no matter how fast (or how slow) you run, my love will always catch up to you! 33333333333333

CARROT: Not the hearts! Noooo! ::Hearts turn into tranquilizer darts and hit Carrot on his ... tush:: Nooo not the T-word! ::Faints::

MILPHEY: Oh my... I think I used to many hearts. Oh, well 33333333

MARRON: ::Sniff:: My poor, niisan. Hikari, I do get my chapter after this, right? 

HIKARI: Of course, Marron. ::Pokes Carrot with a stick:: 

CARROT: ::Snores loudly:: 

HIKARI: Wow, he's out like a light. I guess you all know what this means...

CARROT: ::Smiles while snoring loudly::

HIKARI: Groping time! 

ALL: Yay!

HIKARI: Please form a line and remember you get one minute each. 

CARROT: ::Eyes snap open as he jumps to his feet:: I'm awake!!!

ALL: Awwww... 

HIKARI: So, Milphey... Captain of the Haz Knights and famous cross dresser of Spooner, how did you come to pick Carrot-chan out of all the bishounen from the series? 

MILPHEY: Heehee ::continues to glomp on Carrot who looks ready to die:: Well, it's really an interesting story...

// SLASHING UP THE CARROT PRESENTS: MILPHEY-LOCKS & THE 3 BISHOUNEN \\

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there lived a ditzy cross dressing Haz Knight named Milphey, who was on his way back to Stellar Church. Upon skipping along his normal path, he noticed something out of the ordinary. It seems he had come across a small harem of beautiful men for sale.

MILPHEY: ::Skipping:: La..la...la...la... oh my - a small harem of beautiful men for sale!

NARRATOR: ::Grumbles:: I just said that...::cough:: Anyway, Milphey approached them and decided to buy *one* to take home with him.

MILPHEY: ::Pouts:: Aww... just one?

NARRATOR: Yes, *one*.

MILPHEY: ::Pouts again:: Okay... Which do I choose? ::Looks at Marron::

MARRON: ::Murderous amber glare:: Stay away from my niisan.

MILPHEY: ::Shiver:: To cold... ::Looks at Gateau::

GATEAU: ::Strips down to flex:: LOOK AT ME! 

MILPHEY: Oohh! ::Fans himself:: To hot... ::Looks at carrot::

CARROT: ::Stares down at himself suddenly and gapes:: Dammit! I'm naked again!

MILPHEY: ::Licks his lips:: Juuust right...::Glomps naked Carrot::

// END \\

HIKARI: I don't remember reading *that* in the manga...

MILPHEY: ::Shrugs:: I wasn't paying attention... at least not to those scenes ::Giggles as he flips through the half-naked Carrot pages:: 

CARROT: ::Rolls his eyes:: God, what a pervert.

HIKARI: Wow, you two would be perfect for each other... ::Shrinks away as all the other men in the room begin to growl:: Eep. So, Milphey... readers want to know, will you be the uke or the seme of this pairing?

CARROT: ::Mumbles:: If you think I'll be a seme in any yaoi pairing...

MILPHEY: ::Ignores Carrot while glomping tighter:: I would have to go with seme, since Carrot-chan is always playing hard to get.

CARROT: I'm not playing, dammit! I don't want any man to 'get' me!

MILPHEY: ::Suddenly turns into his macho-Haz-Knight side and purrs seductively:: My dear Carrot, I'm not just 'any' man. 

CARROT: ::Gulps while blushing a little. Thinking: Oh damn... his masculinity is worse that the hearts!:: 

MILPHEY: ::Turns back to his ditzy feminine-like self:: Aww, you're blushing! Carrot-chan is just the cutest! 3333333333

CARROT: ::Paralyzed once more:: Ack! Never mind!

HIKARI: If you don't mind me asking, what do you imagine your first 'intimate' part of the relationship to be like?

MILPHEY: I don't mind at all! What I plan to do first, is make a slow and long trail of kisses from Carrot's mouth all the way down to his... 

CARROT: ::Clamps his hands over his ears and begins to sing:: Lalalalalalala -I'm-not-listening-to -you-perverts alalalalala…

MILPHEY ::Continues as he plucks one of the hands over Carrot's ear away so he can nibble on it:: ... And then... 

CARROT: Laalalalaa ::Blushes as he picks up part of the conversation:: I-I'm not gonna wear a dress! He's the cross dresser ::Points to Milphey:: not me! 

MILPHEY: Hush, Carrot-chan. So after the whip cream-teddy is off...

CARROT: ::Blinks:: How is it suppose to come off? It's whip cream! 

MILPHEY: ::Gives Carrot a wink and licks his lips::

CARROT: ::Nosebleeds:: Eeew! Sick! Sick! 

MILPHEY: It'll be fine ...and very yummy.

CARROT: You'll get fat with all that whip cream. It'll ruin your girlish figure.

MILPHEY: ::Gasps and looks horrified:: Oh, goodness, no! ::Then looks thoughtful:: I'll just have to use the low-fat kind ::giggle::

CARROT: ::Sweats nervously:: Is this chapter over yet?!

HIKARI: ::Thinks about using the 'whip cream-teddy' somewhere in her fanfics:: Oh... One more question, what kind of dress would Carrot be wearing? 

CARROT: I'm not wearing a dress!

MILPHEY: ::Dreamy smile:: One with ribbons and frills! Ohh, Carrot-chan would look perfect in pastels!

CARROT: ::In a louder voice:: I said, I'M NOT WEARING A DRESS! ANYTHING BUT A DRESS! 

HIKARI: How about a 'whip cream-teddy? You did say 'anything' ... hehe

CARROT: ::Glare:: I hate you

HIKARI: Well, that's about it for this chapter. Oh and ::writes: "... and suddenly Carrot's clothes turned into a 'teddy made out of whip cream..."::

ALL: ::Standing in bigger drool puddles:: Let's eat!

CARROT: ::Screams::


End file.
